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The Fiver | Premier League final or touchline cojone grab?

THERE'S ALMOST NOW

Fiver loves Maltesers. The melting of the outer layer of chocolate takes you to the honeycomb center, where you can either crunchy or suck slowly, which as it foams and melts and dissolves in your mouth, creating a burst of serotonin that makes us feel like half-humans. But the day we see that low red box after eating, we're lying in a pool of our own saliva, self-loathing and cursing. It's a similar feeling this year as we watch every Premier League game ever teleported into our front room.

What started as a happy release of muzzles as he regularly digested slapstick defensive aids while raising goals gradually morphed into the sort of nasty clunk that even Granny Fiver wouldn't dare to serve. The fun stopped but the football didn't stop, the parasite forced its way into our throat and intestines like a worm. The big sale of the Premier League final invites viewers to watch Liverpool and Chelsea confirm, yes, confirming that the four richest English clubs will play in the Big Cup next season. Attractive, is it too much? A Diazepam butty would be easier to digest than that.

If you're going to make yourself sick watching the greedy €$£ breakup wannabes win the day, at least there should be silverware on the line. So while the title is still up for grabs as we head into the final day, set your teeth on the delicious food served at La Liga on Saturday. Atlético Madrid lead Real by two points and face a tough Valladolid journey (they're like a Castile Burnley, so our castante-wearing, siesta-loving Spanish cousin tells us) it needs a win to stay afloat. . Meanwhile, the intrepid 25-time champions are in second place, home to a Villarreal team whose collective minds are already in Gdańsk and focused on how they plan to crush Scott McTominay and Fred against Manchester United in the Big Vase final.

A win over Atlético 2014, but the title if they draw and Real beat the Yellow Submarine Los Blancos difference in a one-on-one record despite Atlético's bigger goal (imagine how that could go down). Atlético don't usually win a game by more than one clear goal, so expect it to be the nuclear-charged anxiety-inducing nerve-athon that really should come with an El Cholo-cam. Remember, the 5pm BST kickoff time, Diego Simeone's touchline cojone-grabbing and Spanish effing and jeffing may not pass the taste test either.

WORD OF THE DAY

23rd April: “I have a contract. When I sign a contract, there is nothing more I can say. The decision to sign a contract is mine. Here's what I want to say. When I make such a decision, there is no doubt in my mind” – Nuno said the three-year deal he signed in September 2015 means he will never leave Molineux anytime soon.

21 May: “Sunday will be a very emotional day, but I am so happy that the fans will be back to Molineux and that we can share one last special moment in one package” - someone must have doubts in their mind because Nuno Will Make One after the home match against Manchester United. And now they can have a Bruno.

time for a new coat in wolverhampton?
Time for a new jacket in Wolverhampton? Photo: Sam Bagnall – AMA / Getty Images

RECOMMENDED BOOKING

Tickets for Football Weekly Live's Euro Note are now available in private preview 10 June. Get them while they're hot.

FIVE LETTERS

“Re: referee misfortunes (Five letters passed). Back in my very brief golden age as a Sunday League manager, my scrutiny of evil found me on the receiving end of a bad-mouthed tirade from one of my players. As he sent them to an early bath, he shouted after the leaving teenager: “And if you come home early, tell your mother to order a takeaway.” He was his son ”- Saul Crossland.

“Wouldn't it be great if the Wolves had hired former Wolfsburg manager Wolfgang Wolf? ? ” – Joe Lakes.

Send your letters to [email protected] And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today's winner of the premise letter of the day is … Saul Crossland.

NEWS, LICES AND BOBS

Eight people were arrested by the police following an investigation into the racial harassment of a Tottenham player, and four others were discreetly interviewed.

12 Leicester's 2020, Wes Morgan is hanging up on his boots after battling back to back for much of the season.

cheers wes.

cheers wes.
Cheers Wes. Photo: Alex Pantling / The FA / Getty Images

St Johnstone headwear Steve Brown has done his part in the fight against Covid by urging fans not to rally in large numbers when faced with Hibs in the Scottish Cup final. “We are trying to complete an extraordinary feat by winning both local cup competitions,” he said. “[But] Please avoid gathering at McDiarmid Park… it is very important that everyone abides by the rules.”

Manchester United employees receive a new anti-Glazers email from "The Fans". The BULLETIN, titled # 1, said he wanted to give them a different perspective from what he saw at the club. “The briefings you have received are [internally] very interesting, but we will provide periodic updates that provide a broader view,” he honked. [So probably more humorous than other missives closer to home – Fiver Ed.]

Premier League clubs are winning in the Big Cup, and where it really matters is in the transfer market, according to a UEFA report where English teams were allegedly responsible for 36 % of all player transfer activities last summer.

Chelsea are back from Barça's Women's Big Cup. In a 3-0 FA Cup fifth round win over Everton. “What a great band,” said Emma Hayes. “Sunday hurt, we didn't hide it but there is no shame in getting a silver medal from the [Big Cup] final.”

And Kenny Jackett is the new head of Leyton Orient.

STILL WANT MORE?

Here are ten things to watch out for in the Premier League this weekend. Go ahead, get it one last time before the season ends.

until next season, 10 things.
10 something until next season. Compound: Andy Hooper, Tom Jenkins, Getty, Reuters

“Death, taxes and the Sergio score”: Manchester City bid farewell to the legend. Posted by Will Unwin.

Richard Foster takes us on a parptastic journey through Premier League 1,000 own goals.

Test! Exam! Test!

Oh, if that's your thing… You can follow the Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT!

WE ARE GOING TO ALL ICELAND

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